Myth Echo Tariyun (succubus_kiba) wrote in living_canvas,
Myth Echo Tariyun

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Please just let me be left alone

All I've been wanting to do lately is cry. And for the past week and a half, that's all I've been doing. Every night before going to sleep I spend hours crying. I even started crying in class on Friday when I had to teach the class and when it came time for the class to say good things about me and my partner, they were all saying "Chancy was good. I don't think we can say anything good about Kim though." Then my brother started to take his anger for his g/f breaking up with him out on me. He was so agitated and irritable - kept yelling in a sort of way. All week my mom has been yelling at me and the only time I feel like I'm really worth something is when I drink coffee with my friend Rami - which I don't get to do often, talk to my Love, Andrew - which also doesn't get to happen often because he works round-the-clock shifts, or when I cut. I don't know why cutting helps me feel worth something, I think it has to do with being able to see my blood fall down my skin knowing its my own blood and my own arm. I promised my "sis" Lily (Andrew's sister) that I would try to stop. And I did, for about 2 months... But on Friday night I broke my promise to her, and others, 43 times over on my wrist, arms, shoulder, and chest. I feel like I'm becoming a living scar - nothing but a scar on this planet because I feel like nothing but a mistake. I was listening to a song called "Lies" by Evanescence where the lyrics say "You will never be strong enough, you will never be good enough, you were never concieved in love" and my mom has told me those a couple of times. And even if it isn't said out loud, it feels implied when she looks a me coldly or yells at me..

43 more mistakes on my body, 43 apoligies owed, and 43 times I wished I could have died that night. I'm almost crying now because I feel so worthless it seems. I'm looking at the SoBe bottle by the speakers and I'm wishing it were poison. Or perhaps that I could use the bottle to slash at myself even more. I don't feel like what's going on is normal for me, and my mom knows that I cut. She knows part of the reason is because she doesn't let me leave the house at all or even the yard unless its to go to school, my grandmaw's house, or a friend's house. She knows about the things my cousin Josh has done to make me cut but she hasn't done anything of any sort to stop him or to tell his mom. On Tuesday she grabbed me by my neck with a huge grin after tracing my jawline. It scared the hell out of me when she placed her other hand on the back of my neck and squeezed both her hands together. All I want to get away from here. If my tears were blood I would have bled to death Saturday night if not one of the nights before.
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